Mingle2 - Philadelphia Singles
By Dwight Bain, Nationally Certified Counselor
Sarah woke up from a deep sleep at 3 AM and realized that her husband wasn’t in bed, so she got up to see if he was okay. She was not prepared for what she saw next. Her husband of 27 years, who she respected as a man of integrity, was sitting in front of their home computer in some sort of “trance” while looking at the most sexually graphic pictures that she had ever seen.
“Mark,” she shouted! “What are you doing?” Mark was shocked to see her, but then looked up into the confused eyes of his wife and sobbed out, “I don’t know.”
Sadly this sort of scene is played out every single day in good homes all across the country. Research shows there are over 1,000 “adult” pornographic sites added to the internet every week, which are readily available to anyone surfing the web looking for a quick sexual thrill.
Sexual addiction is a huge problem for all segments of society, including Christian circles. The Men’s group ‘Promise Keepers’ did a confidential survey and discovered that 62% of men attending their stadium events listed lustful addiction to porn as their number one life problem. Ministries Today magazine reported that 29 % of men who regularly attend church believe that they have a sexual addiction.
This type of struggle is not new. Thousands of years ago the key leader of ancient Israel was a man named Samson. You may remember the Bible stories which teach he was physically stronger than any other man who had ever lived, yet was totally weak in his struggle with sexual temptation around prostitutes and eventually was seduced into captivity and prison by a temptress named Delilah who sold him out.
Samson had seen God work incredible miracles in his life; he had even been raised in a godly home by godly parents. He knew the ways of the Lord and although he was the strongest man on the battlefield, he never had any strength or victory over his lustful eyes and sexual desires.
Think of it! The strongest man who ever lived was no match for the sexual temptations of his culture. Could the same reasons that plagued Samson thousands of years ago still be the reasons why so many strong men still fall into this addictive area? Let’s look at some of the main issues that led to Mark’s struggle to discover some answers.
The dictionary defines “lust” as sexual desire, often to an intense or unrestrained degree.
There is a simple counseling outline to use to see if someone you love is being overwhelmed by lust, with each letter spelling out the behaviors that had slowly taken over Mark’s life leading to his on-line addiction, and may be warning signs for someone you know as well.
L- Lonely
Men today are more lonely and “disconnected” than ever before. This loneliness leaves them feeling empty as they realize that they are totally alone in the world. You may remember that when God looked down on Adam in the Garden of Eden, He saw that man was alone and it was not good, so He made a perfect partner for him named Eve.
The Bible models the need for relationships in countless ways. From Jonathan & David, to the twelve disciples, to the connected relationship of the Holy Trinity that God the Father has with God the Son and with God the Spirit, we see the need to do things together for comfort, strength and unity. Sadly, in Mark and Sarah’s case, he had become isolated and had pulled away from her, so he was alone more and more of the time, leading to his “middle of the night” ritual with pornography that almost destroyed the marriage.
* Think of the men you know. Are they connected in healthy relationships with accountability?
* If you see significant times of isolation, especially if it involves the computer, television or a smart-phone, you need to be aware of the possible temptations and dangers of sexual addiction that lonely men often turn to and then become trapped by.
U- Unfulfilled
This letter represents the tremendous levels of being unfulfilled that men feel in their personal or professional life. They don’t know what their purpose or life passion is, which can be especially challenging during the middle years of life where there is incredible pressure to be successful and financially secure.
If a man begins to question his ability to keep up with the expectations of his culture, or his own personal goals or expectations don’t look like they are going to be realized, he begins to give up inside. It is this lack of fulfillment which leads to the desire for something more than he currently has in his life, something bigger and more exciting to fill the emptiness and frustration in his life.
Sexual addictions are often about escaping from inner pressure or pain, but equally common is the short-term pleasure associated with these mental fantasies. Whether the on-line searching behavior is driven by pleasure seeking or by escapism or both; the bottom line is that sexual addictions are an attempt to find some relief from pressure.
He might feel empty or like a failure over the things that he believes are going wrong in his business, finances, marriage or family so the secretive behavior of on-line porn usage becomes like a quick ‘fix’ to cope with the pressures. It doesn’t last and it only makes a man feel more empty and more like a failure inside, further trapping him into an addictive pattern of sexual addiction.
Mark tried to forget about the pressure he felt to financially keep his family and business going, while keeping up with the growing expenses of having two kids in college and still trying to find enough money to fund his retirement. These were huge financial goals, and though he was seriously stressed over them he was still barely making it financially. Still, in the back corner of his mind he thought he was a financial failure and it was this ongoing fear which continued to fuel his escapism into pornography to forget about the pressures of his life for a few minutes.
* Consider if the men in your life are living out their purpose and passion. If not they can often feel tempted to seek the wrong passions which can ruin the rest of their life.
* Asking questions to challenge a man before he wrecks his life is a kindness to him and everyone who cares about him, so be direct in voicing any areas of concern. Better to have a difficult conversation now than to have a tearful one later.
S- Stressed
Stress is the next dangerous warning symptom that can snare men into long term sexual addictions. Every man faces stressful times as a normal part of life, but what happens when he doesn't deal with the stress at the main source?
Answer- it just gets bigger and bigger and that is what happened in Mark’s case. He had learned to cope with the growing stress and financial pressure in his life by just stuffing it inside. He had learned to simply say that ‘it doesn’t bother me’ or ‘no big deal’ but in reality the stress and pressure was eating him alive inside.
Stuffed emotions are a way of life for many men, but eventually those stuffed feelings will come out, sometimes through an angry explosion of rage, sometimes through long moody periods of brooding or depressive behavior. Either way, when a man doesn’t deal with the pressures eating away at him, he very likely may end up addicted to porn just like Mark.
Attempting to use media images and fantasies to avoid the very real fears, doubts, worries and anxieties a man often faces is only a short term escape anyway since nothing is done to actually deal with or resolve the real problems in life.
It’s like the classic General Motors commercial about ‘Mr. Goodwrench’ who says ‘pay me now- or pay me later’. The difference being that with stress you have to ‘Deal with it now, or deal with it later,’ because either way, he is going to have to deal with the real issues in his life and the sooner the better because it’s always easier to address stress now before it becomes a life dominating problem later.
* Since stress is a normal part of life consider how the men in your life reduce pressure. If you don't see any healthy outlets then look for unhealthy ones because stress doesn't go away or get smaller by itself, it just grows in size and scope leading to bigger problems
* Don't be afraid to suggest logical ways to reduce stress and pressure. Exercise, recreation, meditation, church, family time- any of these activities are great ways to unwind pressure to prevent secret temptations from taking over a man’s life.
T- Tired
This word in the formula is familiar to most men, because Mark was tired, really, really tired. The many years of secret, sexual behavior, (mostly during the night hours), had really taken its toll. He had cheated his body out of sleep for too many years and was totally exhausted most of the time.
Face it- tired people are really easy to tempt. Think of the chocolate chip ice cream in the freezer when it is late at night and you have starved all day. The more physically fatigued you are, the more likely you are to do and say things that are impulsive as an attempt to find some relief.
Mark knew he was fatigued and that he hated his behavior, but he just didn’t have the energy to say “no” to the temptation anymore so he would cave into to his desires and feel like a failure as a Christian and as a committed husband over and over again.
Put this formula together and you have letters representing the biggest reasons for sexual addiction- L.U.S.T. which represent the symptoms of a lonely, unfulfilled, emotionally stuffed and tired man. No wonder Mark was so open to the temptations of his culture and no wonder he became so enslaved to this increasingly common sin.
John Stossel, from ABC News did a TV special on the issue of addiction to pornography. He made this observation at the end of his investigative report.
“Media images trick us into believing there are many available, attractive people that really desire to be with us”.
While you know the perfectly airbrushed Hollywood ‘babes’ in the magazines or movies are not really going to seek out a 25 year older guy with a big belly and growing bald spot, a stressed out man’s need to believe in the fantasy is often is stronger than simply in facing the tough reality of his life.
Perhaps it is better understood when considering the ancient wisdom of St. Paul who wrote “Having lost all sensitivity, they have given themselves over to sensuality so as to indulge in every kind of impurity, with a continual lust for more.”
(-Ephesians 4:19)
Culture offers many escapes from facing reality and often considers porn as a normal way for ‘boys to be boys’ yet Jesus when teaching the sermon on the mountain showed exactly the opposite. He didn’t excuse a lustful look as typical and normal male behavior instead he challenged men to live at a higher standard. His words are just as powerful today as they were 2,000 years ago when he said, “whoever looks at a women to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” (-Matthew 5:28)
Is this standard of mental purity impossible? Not at all, but it takes a man learning to view a woman as a real person, instead of an object to be sexualized for personal gratification. I believe lustful addictions destroy marital intimacy and then steal the emotional energy which belongs to their marriage partner. Pornography is not a victimless crime as some suggest since someone always gets hurt and often it is a wife or child who discovers that the man in their life is a secret sex addict. Marriages often fail because of porn and kids may never look at their father the same way again.
Final Plea from Mark and Sarah
Thankfully this is an addiction that can change. Mark and Sarah sought out professional help with a skilled Christian counselor and over time, trust was rebuilt and their marriage was able to recover from the major betrayal that always comes after porn addiction is discovered.
This is a real couple I personally know, (although the names were changed), who would plead with me to share their story of relationship restoration. They would want me tell you that you can’t get better by yourself, and to secretly keep stuffing it inside only makes the problems bigger.
Living with a secret that is eating you and your marriage alive is like a cancer that is killing you a little each day. You have to deal with it or it will kill you and your marriage!
They would urge you to open your eyes and ears to any odd behavior that may be an indicator that your mate may be addicted to pornography and often is just too weak to stop the behavior without help. They would plead with you to take this seriously before it ruins another home like it almost did theirs. They would challenge you and your family member to seek out a good church that offers grace for those struggling with addictive behaviors and accountability groups to prevent relapses. They would tell you that it can and will change, when you get honest, humble your heart and seek some professional help on your road to break free of sexual addiction and rebuild a life of sexual purity as God designed for married couples.
Tragically we know Samson didn’t do that. He had no power over his lustful eyes. You may remember his enemies captured him with the help of the seductress Delilah who he foolishly believed actually cared for and loved him.
The first thing they did was to poke out his eyes with a burning hot iron rod. Blinded, and in prison, Samson repented and came back to his God. As a blind man, he could finally see the truth reflected in Psalms 101:3 “I will set nothing wicked before my eyes”. My prayer is that men everywhere would live out that Biblical truth and then boldly reach out to help rescue other strong men trapped in the “Samson Syndrome”.
Someone you know needs this article, please forward it on to them as a challenge to walk free from temptation so they can experience greater freedom in life and greater connection to God, to their marriage partner and to their family instead of living in the shadows of those trapped by a sexual addiction.
"Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group weekly eNews, (Copyright, 2004-2010), To subscribe to this valuable weekly resource visit www.LifeWorksGroup.org "
About the author-Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. He is a Nationally Certified Counselor, Certified Life Coach and Certified Family Law Mediator in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change.
"Most great men and women are not perfectly rounded in their personalities, but are instead people whose one driving enthusiasm is so great it makes their faults seem insignificant."
Charles A. Cerami
Author
I see so many couples in marriage counseling that come to me at the end of their marital rope...they feel desperate and wonder if their marriages can be saved or if it is too late for them. I have always believed that no marriage is so far gone that it can't be helped...if both partners are willing to work. But what about those relationships where only one partner is willing to work on the relationship? Or those marriages where one partner doesn't believe their is a problem and is unwilling to engage in even a conversation about what needs to change? What is a Christian to do when they feel that divorce is not an option, but remaining in an unhealthy marriage seems like a life sentence? As a marriage counselor I have not always had an answer to that question. It seems like divorce would be the most humane way to end the misery of an unhealthy marriage...but there has to be another way!
On the recommendation of a client I have been reading the book Thriving Despite a Difficult Marriage by Michael Misja. Ph.D. and Chuck Misja, Ph.D. The authors believe that you can thrive even when faced with a partner who is unwilling or unable to change. Unfortunately, there is a lot working against marriage today. Our society would have us believe that everything is disposable...even marriage. If you're not "happy" you have the right to go find "happiness" even if it means leaving your spouse. Another force working against marriage is found in Ephesians 6:12 "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." The authors of Thriving Despite a Difficult Marriage state, "Your and your spouse's hearts are precious to God. The Enemy knows this and will spare nothing and no one in his attempts to conquer your heart. If he can give you a spiritual cancer by producing despair, bitterness, pride, or apathy, he has won your heart," and "You are on the right path when you understand that the true problem that needs to be addressed doesn't concern the defects in your spouse but rather the darkness that emerges from your own heart while in a difficult marriage."
Thriving in a difficult marriage means facing the truth about marriage...that it is hard, and it takes work. If you are looking for a book that sugar coats the truth about marriage this is not the book for you...but if you are ready to let God work in you and subsequently your marriage you might want to pick this one up!
"They may become harder to achieve, but your dreams can't stop because you've hit a certain age."
Dara Torres
As a counselor I talk to people almost daily about the difficult circumstances of their lives. Divorces, affairs, children who disappoint, relationship difficulties, job stress, betrayal, and many other issues. Almost every individual going through a hard time asks the same question, “Where is God in the midst of my circumstances?” Even the people who don’t necessarily believe in God rail against the injustices in the world. They use their anger as proof that God must not exist. After all, if there was a God…how could he allow the innocent to suffer?
In his book, Where is God?, Dr. John Townsend attempts to point his readers to a God who, although not always seen or understood, is with us. Townsend asserts that God is working behind the scenes, acting on our behalf, and suffering with us when we hurt.
I recently had a client who was dealing with childhood sexual abuse. She made the statement that if everything she learned about God in church was true, then God knew she was being abused, stood there and watched it, and did nothing. She struggled to make sense of a God who could stand by and watch a child being abused. As she worked through her anger she pictured herself standing in front of God beating on His chest screaming “How could you let that happen?” And in her picture, God put His arms around her, and said “I was there, and my heart broke. If I had stopped it, I would have had to take away your abuser’s freedom. I won’t make anyone into a robot. Not your abuser, and not you, but I promise to bring good out of your pain.”
That is the kind of God that Townsend portrays in this book, a God who suffers with us when we suffer and a God who wants our love for Him to be real in spite of our circumstances.
Although I personally did not learn anything new by reading this book, I feel that it is a book that I can recommend to clients. Townsend has a solid grasp of not only the psychological principals of suffering, but also gives Biblical support for his views.
Townsend concludes this book by assuring his readers that God loves them, wants what is best for them, and is actively involved in their lives…a reason to have hope.
