10 Communication Skills for Effective Parenting

We all want to have healthy relationships with our children. Often the measure of health in our parent/child relationships is the quality of our communication. Positive communication is the key to friendly, trusting, and caring relationships between parents and children. It is also a skill most of us were not born with. Children learn how to communicate by watching their parents. If parents communicate openly and effectively, chances are that their children will, too. Whether you are parenting a toddler or teenager, good communication skills will benefit your children for their entire lives.

So how can you communicate effectively with your children? The ten skills listed below can help you improve relations with your children and bring harmony to your home.

1. Be interested in what your child has to say.
Turn off the TV and put down the newspaper. Kids can tell when you are not concentrating. Maintain eye contact, this lets your child know that you are really interested in what they have to say. If you truly do not have time at that moment, promise to get back to them later, but then do it!

2. Keep conversations brief.
The younger children are, the more difficult is for them to sit through a long speech. The goal is for parents to pass on information a little at a time while checking that their children are paying attention to and understanding what is being said at regular intervals. Parents should let children decide when enough is enough. Look for clues like fidgeting, lack of eye contact, distractibility.

3. Ask the right questions…avoid dead end questions.
Avoid asking questions that just require a yes or no answer. Ask questions that begin with what, where, who or how. But…don't let your questions turn into an interrogation!

4. Communicate at your children's level.
Come down to their level both verbally and physically. Use age appropriate language that the child can understand.

5. Express your own feelings and ideas.
Communication is a two way street. Parents can teach their children many things, for example, morals and values, by expressing thoughts and feelings. For example, watch TV together and engage the child in a conversation about why you believe what you are watching is wrong or immoral. Be careful, however, not to come off "preachy" or judgmental.

6. Regularly schedule family meetings or times to talk.
Use the dinner hour as time to catch up with each other. Or use quiet times before bed as a time to find out what the child has planned for the next day.

7. Admit it when you don't know something.
When a child asks a question you don't know the answer to, use it as a learning experience for both of you. We need to teach our children that the smartest people are not the ones who have all the answers (an impossibility), but the ones who know how to find the answers. Teach your children how to find out the answers to tough questions.

8. Try to make explanations complete.
When answering questions give as much information as the child needs, even if the subject is something that you don't feel comfortable with. If parents answer tough questions without strong reactions, children learn that no subject is taboo, and they will probably lose interest after they get their answer. Remember, anything you make an issue will become an issue.

9. Let your children know they have been heard.
Keep interruptions to a minimum. You can offer encouragement through a smile, touch or nod, without interrupting. When they are done speaking restate what the child said. For example, "Boy it sounds like you had a really tough day!" Not only will this let the child know that you have been listening, but it will often give the child a chance to clarify or give more information.

10. Avoid negative communication. Examples of negative communication:
· Nagging and Lecturing
· Interrupting
· Criticizing
· Dwelling on the past
· Controlling through the use of guilt
· Using sarcasm
· Telling children how to solve their problems
· Putting children down
· Using threats
· Denying children's feelings

Parenting Tips

Elizabeth Pantley has a new book: The no-cry discipline solution. It follows the no-cry sleep solution that has helped many parents get the rest they need! Check out some of her parenting video tips here!

Parenting Tips: Parenting Your Adult Children

As our children become adults our role as a parent changes. They no longer need us to keep them safe, to set boundaries, to provide for them financially, or to “kiss their boo-boos”.

Navigating the parent/adult child relationship can be treacherous if we forget our role or if they want to remain dependent. I had an adult child in my office a few years ago that was still living with mom and dad. She was complaining that her dad treated her like a child and was taking away privileges like her cell phone and car. I told her that at the age of 21 she should not tolerate that kind of behavior from anyone!! After all, she could go out and get a job, move out, purchase her own car and phone, and not have anyone tell her what to do!! For some reason she wasn’t too happy with me.

I have also had parents in my office who are still trying to figure out how to solve their adult children’s problems. One family came to me to help them figure out how to pay their son’s medical bills. It wouldn’t have been so obviously wrong if mom hadn’t been in her 80’s.

So, how do we parent and let go at the same time? Here are some suggestions for managing the transition from parent /child to parent/adult child relationship:


Don’t take responsibility for your adult children. We are responsible TO our children; to feed them, educate them, give them shelter, clothe them, etc. But we are not responsible FOR the decisions they make as adults.


Allow your adult children to suffer their own consequences. The principle is, if I rob a bank, you shouldn’t have to go to jail! Right?! Unfortunately, when it comes to our kids we sometimes feel responsible for their messes and try to fix them. Don’t bail them out of financial messes, don’t intervene in their relationship messes, don’t buy them out of trouble!


Separate love and acceptance from approval. Your kids may decide to do something that you find morally wrong or at least irritating. You can love your adult child without approving of their behavior. Our kids need to know that they are loved and accepted regardless of what they do.


Give advice ONLY when asked. I know this is a tough one! We have much more life experience than they do, and we love them so much we just want to save them the heartache of making the same mistakes we did. But think about it…how do you learn best? Most of us learn the hard way…I don’t drive the speed limit because I think it’s a great law! I drive the speed limit (most of the time) because I have had a few tickets in my life, and I really don’t want to pay the fine again!!


Don’t try to guilt-trip your adult children. Don’t try to make them feel bad if they don’t call as often as you would like. (By the way…the phone lines work both ways! If you want to talk to them, pick up the phone and call them!) Don’t try to guilt them into coming to your house for EVERY holiday. If they are married they will have to divide their time.

Let them parent their own children!! Check out this post to read more about your role as a grandparent.

Parenting Tips: Children's Bill of Rights

Sometimes couple counseling doesn't work...for a variety of reasons. Sometimes it is because one partner doesn't want it to work, sometimes it is because one partner refuses to stop abusive behavior. The reasons for divorce or separation are unique to each couple. Usually one partner wants the divorce and one doesn't. When there are children involved it can get really ugly. Every parent wants what is best for their children, but when they get angry they sometimes forget that their anger can be devastating to their kids. Check out this bill of rights that every parent who is divorcing should agree to:

Children's Bill of Rights

Divorce Headquarters

We the children of the divorcing parents, in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice, insure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare, and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish these Bill Of Rights for all children.

• The right not to be asked to "choose sides" or be put in a situation where I would have to take sides between my parents.
• The right to be treated as a person and not as a pawn, possession or a negotiating chip.
• The right to freely and privately communicate with both parents.
• The right not to be asked questions by one parent about the other.
• The right not to be a messenger.
• The right to express my feelings.
• The right to adequate visitation with the non-custodial parent which will best serve my needs and wishes.
• The right to love and have a relationship with both parents without being made to feel guilty.
• The right not to hear either parent say anything bad about the other.
• The right to the same educational opportunities and economic support that I would have had if my parents did not divorce.
• The right to have what is in my best interest protected at all times.
• The right to maintain my status as a child and not to take on adult responsibilities for the sake of the parent's well being.
• The right to request my parents seek appropriate emotional and social support when needed.
• The right to expect consistent parenting at a time when little in my life seems constant or secure.
• The right to expect healthy relationship modeling, despite the recent events.
• The right to expect the utmost support when taking the time and steps needed to secure a healthy adjustment to the current situation.

Check out Divorce HQ for more information.

Tip Thursday: Praying for Your Children

As parents we worry about our kids. We wonder if they are eating enough…or too much. We worry if they are measuring up to the growth charts at the doctor’s office. We worry if they are on schedule developmentally. We talk to our friends, our parents, anyone who might reassure us that our kids are “normal.” However, we often neglect to really pray for our kids until they are in trouble.

How often we hear people whose kids are in trouble say “the only thing we can do is pray.” In reality, the BEST thing we can do is pray…and it should be the first thing we do! We forget that God loves our kids even more than we do!

Check out this quote by Dennis and Barbara Rainey in The Power Of Praying for Your Children: "The sobering news about raising children is that we really have no ultimate control over whether our child will choose the narrow gate that leads to life (Matthew 7:14) or the wide gate that leads to destruction. If other experiences in life have not humbled us and shown us how dependent we are on God, then parenting a preadolescent or teenager will.

Understanding our desperate need to depend on God is the good news. Once we give up the naive idea that we parents can dictate the choices our children will make and the spiritual gate they will walk through—narrow or broad—then we are ready to slip on the knee pads and get serious about prayer."

Here are some resources to help you pray for your children:

40 Ways to Pray for Your Children

Praying for Keeps

31 Biblical Virtues to pray for your kids
Scriptural Blessings to Pray for Your Children

Ten Commandments for Spoiling Your Grandkids

1. Thou shalt shower them with hugs and kisses.
2. Thou shalt give cookies in abundance.
3. Thou shalt not forget to kiss all boo-boos.
4. Thou shalt stay in touch without fail -- in person, by phone or by mail.
5. Thou shalt share memories and special stories.
6. Thou shalt always keep the candy dish out.
7. Thou shalt reward good grades and sports victories.
8. Thou shalt let them stay up past their bedtime.
9. Thou shalt be generous with praise and compliments.
10. Thou shalt tell them -- every chance you get -- that you love them.

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