Marriage Monday: Things to Consider Before You Get Married

Marriage Monday

When couples come into my office for marriage counseling my first job is to determine why they are really there. Many times one spouse has dragged the other one in kicking and screaming…they really don’t want to be there, but have conceded because they want their marriage to work. Others come into counseling saying that they want to work on their marriage, but in reality, they just want me to help them convince their spouse that they are right about whatever disagreement they are having. Sometimes couples come in stating very clearly that they are only there because they want to be able to say they tried everything to save their marriage so that they don’t feel guilt when they divorce.

No matter what their initial reason for entering counseling I ask a series of questions that help all of us determine where the marriage is and if the marriage can be saved. It would help if all couples asked themselves these questions from time to time. I have found that if both people are willing to work there is no marriage that is beyond help, but it takes dedication and hard work.

If you are having difficulty in your marriage, or even if you are not, sit down with your spouse and talk about these four questions:

1. On a scale of 1 – 10, with 1 being “the worst marriage you have ever seen,” and 10 being “marital bliss,” how would you rate your current relationship?
2. On the same scale, where would you like your marriage to be?
3. What would need to change in your relationship to move it from where it is to where you would like it to be?
4. On another 1-10 scale, with 1 being “I am ready to get out,” and 10 being “I’ll do whatever it takes” …how willing are you to invest what it takes to change your marriage?

We often buy into the fairy tale that “they got married and lived happily ever after.” Don’t fall for it!! They call it a fairy tale for a reason. Marriage is work and an investment. We only get out of it what we are willing to invest!

Marriage Monday

In a national survey of married couples, researchers found that, on average, we spend less than three minutes of meaningful conversation together in a typical day. In the midst of jobs, kid’s activities, hobbies and television we lose touch with each other. We may be talking, but we aren’t really conversing when most of our conversations are just monosyllables during dinner or coordinating our children’s events. We may say our marriage is a priority, but we often devote our time to everything but our marriage.

So, how do we reconnect with our spouses? Meaningful conversation is telling your spouse where you are—intellectually, emotionally, and physically. Set aside a night each week to tune into out the world, tune into each other and focus on the reality of your own lives. Here are some questions to get you talking!

• What was your most embarrassing moment?
• What is your favorite song? food? color?
• How would you rate our marriage on a scale of 1 to 10? Why?
• Who is your favorite relative?
• Do you think I do a good job of listening to you? What could I do better?
• What is your favorite way to spend an evening? A weekend?
• If we inherited a lot of money, how do you think we should spend it?
• What do I do that makes you laugh?
• What personal improvements do you want to make in your life?
• If you could go back and relive one day of your life, what would it be?

Marriage Monday

It has often been said that there is a difference in the sex drive between men and women. I found this picture several years ago that easily explains the difference. It obviously takes a lot to get a woman working well....men, just flip the switch!

Marriage Monday

In his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Gottman says "happily married couples aren’t smarter, richer or more psychologically astute from others, but keep their negative feelings from overwhelming the positive ones."

After many years of marital research, Gottman states that he is able to predict the outcome of a marriage by noting the presence or absence of destructive behaviors. "I can make the prediction after listening to a couple interact for as little as five minutes." Couples who present with the following four behaviors will, Gottman believes, have unsuccessful marriages: criticism, contempt, defensiveness or stonewalling.

Criticism is different from complaining, according to Gottman. A complaint is bringing a difference of opinion or need to a spouse for discussion whereas a criticism involves making that complaint demeaning. "I wish you wouldn't drop your clothes on the floor," vs "you are such a jerk, I'm not your maid!"

Contempt in relationships can be seen through sarcasm, cynicism, hostile humor, mockery, eye-rolling or name-calling. Gottman views contempt as a way to convey disgust and when feelings of disgust are present, chances of reconciliation decrease. Stonewalling is easy to recognize. Reading the paper, watching TV, putting on a "stone face" in order to avoid conflict are all signs of stonewalling. In essence the individual is saying "I don't care." Defensiveness quickly and quietly erodes a marriage. When partners are defensive, they blame each other without taking responsibility for their own actions.

His research suggests verbal fights are not harmful to marriages as long as contempt, withdrawal, defensiveness and criticism are absent. These are a sign of a marriage in trouble.

Gottman's first book, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail gives detailed explanations of his marriage research and the behaviors present in failing marriages. In The Seven Prinicples for making marriage work, Dr. Gottman has put together seven principles essential to the success of any marriage.

1. Maintain a love map.


2. Foster fondness and admiration.


3. Turn toward instead of away.


4. Accept influence.


5. Solve solvable conflicts.


6. Cope with conflicts you can't resolve.


7. Create shared meaning

Dr. Gottman's unique questionnaires and exercises will guide you on the road to revitalizing your marriage, or making a strong one even better.

Marriage Tips

1. Love is not a feeling, it is a decision. Don't buy into the fairy tale that “they got married and lived happily ever after,” it’s called a fairy tale for a reason!! Marriage takes work, and commitment.
2. Establish healthy communication.

• If possible, stop what you are doing and give your spouse your full attention.
• Listen without interrupting
• Maintain eye contact
• Don’t make assumptions about what is being said.
• Respond without criticism.
• Ask for clarification if you don’t understand what your spouse is saying.

3. Set a ground rule of no swearing. It's OK to argue, but never use curse words to express your anger. Swearing at another human being is only done for one reason…to demean them.
4. Use three filters before criticizing. Ask yourself if what you are about to say is 1) true, 2) necessary, 3) mean? If your words can’t make it through all three of the filters, keep your mouth shut!
5. Different does not equal wrong. We often assume that our way of doing things or thinking is right, and if our spouse does things differently, they are wrong. Different ≠ Wrong…Different = Different.
6. Plan a weekly date night. If you are not intentional about spending time together, life will slip away and your relationship will slip away with it!
7. Once a week ask your spouse, “What is one thing that I did this week that was irritating,” and “what is one thing I can do next week that would make you feel loved?”